I've realized for most of my adult life how rare it is for someone my age to still have all four grandparents. And I've done my darndest to appreciate that, and experienced the stereotypical guilt that comes from realizing I haven't seen them in several weeks or months. I know that in this aspect of my life I am extremely fortunate.
However, because I am 26 and I haven't experienced any of this before, I feel really lost about it all. My grandpa ... well, when I visit him now I can see that he's the same Grandpa Pat, that he's there on the inside still but he can't always form the right words and he can't walk and it's all happening so fast.
And his heart is breaking.
And my heart is breaking.
And it can't be stopped. Dementia, old age, it's all a slow descent into ... ?
Two months ago he could scuffle around from his chair to the bathroom, he was having an entire conversation with me about where he grew up and the trouble he'd get in with his friends. He was eating Chinese food I had bought for him without much issue other than the occasional dropped cashew, and cashews are impossible to eat with a fork anyway, so who can really blame him for that? Nobody, that's who. Sure he was declining, but he was fine. He was just. fine.
But he wasn't. And he's not. And somewhere I know that that's true. But maybe if I just keep going back to visit, and make a point to let him get his words out, and tell him to try to skootch up in his wheelchair and to be nice to the nurses and to let him feed himself even if it's downright frustrating to let those apples fall off one more time, and figure out when he's doing physical therapy, surely there will be enough love and determination to fix it. To make him better so that we don't have to go through this anymore.
But even if it worked and there was enough love to pull him back and to fix him and to un-break his heart... that's not going to stop Death.
How does one keep living when there's no future to look forward to? What kind of mental shift does one have to go through to somehow be happy or at peace knowing that life from now on is this nursing home bed, and this flickering tv? That it's ending. And how does a loved one watch and participate?
It has dawned on me that I haven't been the best about continuing my conquest of the veggies.
Yes, I learned how to cook nearly 10 things but I haven't really integrated them into daily diets. That's like saying you're going to learn Italian and then only use it to say "we eat pizza!" (Wait, that was me, too...)
Anyway, a combination of things is motivating me into thinking a little healthier.
The first thing is that I am working out regularly which makes me feel good. I go to a CrossFit gym, usually 4 times each week. Those workouts have consistently worn me out and made me hurt, but I can feel the energy I have at 3pm when I would normally crash and consider coffee. I can feel the awesome muscle I have in my biceps! And abs! And other small changes have surprised me in the mirror - like, my underwear fits better. I realize how random and mildly inappropriate that might be to share, but tough tamales, it's the truth!
The second thing is the mildly cult-ish dietary encouragement that comes with CrossFit: The Paleo Diet. When I first heard about it I wrote it off as a little ridiculous. Atkins and South Beach and all the other super-fad diets had me skeptical. The gist of Paleo is to eat what would've been accessible during Paleolithic times - think caveman - so basically nothing that needs to be processed before you eat it. Lots of meat and veggies but no grains, sugar, or treated animal products like dairy.
But I love cheeeeese!
I was content with ignoring that part of CrossFit until my friend Amanda accepted a 45-day challenge to eat Paleo with a group from her gym. Seeing someone close to me attempt and be successful got me thinking a little more critically. I would like to lose a few extra inches, and she says she feels great on top of that, too.
The final thing is that Britton and I both lament about losing inches, or in his case slimming down the beer belly that is threatening to become a permanent fixture around his mid-section. I have pretty great self-esteem, so this isn't a "I really wanna lose three pounds!" situation. It's a realization that I look fine, but still have room to be thinner and healthier.
Here's the kicker though (and the thing that will probably always be the kicker to any diet I try): I'm not ambitious enough to go get the right ingredients and learn to cook in a brand new way. I just want meals made of things that are easy to access and prepare.
So. What to do then?
First step, starting ASAP: Substitute veggies whenever possible. Instead of spaghetti, spaghetti squash; instead of mashed potatoes, mashed cauliflower. When at a restaurant, opt for the veggie side instead of fries or chips. Once I started analyzing what I was eating, I realized it's not very balanced. Pasta is our go-to dish and rice is a close second, neither of which is "allowed" in Paleo since they're processed before you eat them. And carbalicious. But yeah, empty calories for the most part.
Second step, starting soonish: Add veggies to a meal and eat them first. AKA, reduce calorie intake from less healthy foods and up the good calories, etc., from fruits & veggies. If I would normally eat 7 ravioli pieces without anything else, I should add a veggie (like asparagus - super simple!) and only cook 4 or 5 pieces.
Oh, and stop eating when I'm full. That's a tough one for me. Food just tastes so good!
Possible future steps:
Learn the basic substitutions for eating Paleo fo' realz
Buy pre-made Paleo meals from a local company so that I know I have healthy options to grab & go in the house
Cook meals (paleo or not) at home for the week so I don't get stuck ordering lunch from somewhere unhealthy.
Convince husband to support a Paleo diet
Figure out what I want to eat at restaurants before we get there so I'm not tempted to order my usual go-tos, such as biscuits & gravy or mac n cheese.
Ultimate goal is to look good in a swimsuit this summer. And by good I mean better than last year.
Help keep me honest! If you're eating food with me, ask me about what I'm eating or how things are progressing. I won't mind (but I might admit to veering away from these guidelines)!
