Frickin' Lightbulbs

Let's have a chat about light.

I love light. I won a frickin' theater (theatre) award for it in high school. I'm sure you love light, too.

But friends, I have learned something:

America takes lightbulb simplicity for frickin' granted.

The Brits apparently didn't have enough to worry about somewhere around the time light bulbs began to be manufactured in bulk because they have three frickin' silver-bottom-options.

Base contact. Whatever. There's a normal-size screw, teeny-tiny screw and something that doesn't screw at all. (Screwed either way if it's me who's buying.)

Oh, and there are a million different wattages to choose from.

Yes I said A MILLION and I FRICKIN' MEANT IT. No one notices a difference between the 5- and the 7-watt "energy saving" (not "energy efficient") lightbulbs, Britain. I SAID NO ONE. But did that stop you from manufacturing bulbs in two-watt increments? NOOoooooo.

Plus they are frickin' expensive. I spent £10 -- that's FIFTEEN AMERICAN DOLLARS -- on TWO lightbulbs. You want to see what one looks like in my lamp? Here:

Aw, that looks nice, right? Nice, soft glow. Cute blue shade. THINK A-FRICKIN'-GAIN.

THE LIGHTBULB IS TOO TALL FOR MY FRICKIN' LAMP.

Oh, and then the lamp died. Just {poof!} stopped being a lamp. It was probably too embarrassed to be seen with this bulb. 

Beware of lightbulbs. And keep the frickin' receipt. 

(Oh, and in case you're wondering what happened to your friend Ellen and her sailor's mouth, I can assure you that a different f-word came out of my mouth upon seeing that adorable monstrosity of a lamp. But my mom makes up, like, 20% of my audience so I'm keeping it clean. For now. All bets are off if I have to buy more lightbulbs. I will sit in the frickin' dark.)